


In Search of Heaven

by Fudgyjammy14



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Death, Light Angst, M/M, Rape, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2019-12-30 09:31:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18312908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fudgyjammy14/pseuds/Fudgyjammy14
Summary: Love doesn’t feel pure anymore.They never had the opportunity to claim it, to have it, to hold it.That’s maybe the story of their hearts.They’re searching for a love that resembles heaven, yet somehow they end up in hell.





	1. I love you

Junhoe was still in college since he started his relationship with Jiwon, they we’re never an  ‘all out’ lovers since before, especially Junhoe who was not open about his sexuality to his parents.

It’s been 2 years now since he graduated, but he’s never been brave enough to let his true colors out.

He introduced Jiwon to his parents as his bestfriend.

But Jiwon introduced him to his family as his boyfriend.

“unfair” Jiwon said

Yes. It is unfair.

Knowing that you cannot label your own relationship, because of the society.

Because of your family traditions.

Yes. Maybe it is.

But not for Junhoe, it’s never that easy.

During college days, he used to sneak out through their window just to meet Jiwon.

How he endures all the beating and spanking from his father, whenever he got caught.

How he hides all his blue and violet marks to Jiwon, just to say that “everything’s okay, as long as I’m with you”

How he endured the ache whenever Jiwon is telling him how worthless he is, every time he doesn’t want to have sex with him because his body was too tired from the beating of his father.

Yes. Maybe it’s unfair.

“all you want is sex” Junhoe franked him

“if you love me, you’ll have to have sex with me” Jiwon answered

How easily Junhoe spread his legs for Jiwon just to prove him that he loves the man so truly.

How easily Junhoe choke and accept humiliation from Jiwon just to prove that he’s willing to do anything for him.

This was their relationship now; it’s very different from the way before.

“maybe, I was just not enough”

“maybe, I’m not that attractive enough”

“maybe, I’m not lovable as before”

These thoughts keep on running into Junhoe’s mind.

Yes, he’s willing to do anything to keep Jiwon.

“as long as we’re together babe, I can do anything” he confessed

“really? Are you ready to introduce me as your boyfriend to your parents now?” Jiwon asked him

……….

There’s a long silent moment, they’re both looking into each other’s eye.

“J-jiwon” Junhoe uttered

Jiwon tilt his head “see, how can you say that you love me” he walks out

Junhoe sighed

It’s been three, four years or what but they’re still falling at that mud

Junhoe’s hand is on his forehead when his phone rang

“Junhoe”

“Yes, Hanbin hyung?” he answered

“I saw Jiwon…. He’s with –“

Hanbin wasn’t able to finish what he’s saying, because Junhoe interrupted him.

“Hanbin hyung, let him be. How many times I told you that please don’t inform me anymore, I’m not interested” he said bravely with his raging heart and teary eyes

“Junhoe, I don’t want you get hurt like this, me and Chanwoo is here for you, just be brave enough and leave him” Hanbin protested

“no hyung, I love him. You know that” he replied and cancelled the phone call, he set aside his cellphone

Junhoe felt his knees weakened, he crouches to the floor and he closed his eyes, clasped his hands, he prayed.

He prayed really hard.

“if this is what you want, be it. I’m ready to take anything. But please don’t let him leave me, I don’t think I can survive” he bowed his head and cried

Junhoe didn’t know why their happy relationship turned out to be like this. He doesn’t know what he had done.

“maybe I wasn’t that good enough” he whispered to himself repeatedly as tears keeps streaming on his face until he fell asleep with a heavy feeling in his heart

 


	2. Am I enough?

A loud knock and slam at the door woke Junhoe up; he immediately gets up and walks toward the front door

He was surprised “Jii-jiwoon?”

“Junhoe, babe can I sleep here? I forgot where my apartment keys are”

“you’re drunk, get inside”

Junhoe assist Jiwon to lay down at the sofa, he slowly removes Jiwon’s shirt button to clean his drunk boyfriend, when he was about to remove the shirt he noticed a kiss mark all over Jiwon’s chest.

He gasped. His hands are on his mouth.

Tears fall onto his cheeks.

He bites his lower lips to restrain himself to make an unnecessary noise since he’s crying

Seeing Jiwon like this makes his heart crashed, but his crashed heart turns into dust knowing that Jiwon returned to him at the end of the day. Maybe that’s the real reason why he’s not leaving Jiwon.

He’s afraid that Jiwon will have nobody to be with when he is in a condition like this

“mmmm” Jiwon grunts

As Junhoe carefully wiped his body with a warm towel.

“Jinhwan” Jiwon mumbles

Junhoe stopped. He stared at Jiwon who’s maybe dreaming?

“who is Jinhwan?” Junhoe asked himself

It’s Jiwon’s first time to call whoever that is while he is dreaming; well maybe it’s Junhoe’s first time to hear it.

He doesn’t know.

He sighed. Deeply.

And continues to wipe Jiwon’s upper body, his face, his neck and his chest and stomach

When he was about stand up, Junhoe didn’t notice some splashed water on the tiled floor and he accidentally step on that and caused him to slipped on the floor “ouch” he yelp

Jiwon woke up and raised his head “what’s that noise?”

“Nothing. I-I just slipped on the floor Jiwon”

“what? You can’t do anything right Junhoe? Can’t you see I’m sleeping?” Jiwon yelled

“Ji-jiwon, don’t be angry, please it’s just an accident, I didn’t mean to wake you up” Junhoe pleaded, he knows that something will happen

Knowing that Jiwon woke up from sleep plus the fact that he is drunk is totally not a good idea.

Jiwon hissed “such a worthless dumb, come here”

He dragged Junhoe’s hair forcefully to make him stand up

“Jiwon. Please don’t hurt me, I’m sorry” Junhoe pleaded

But Jiwon slapped him, hard. Hard enough to draw a blood from the side of his lips

“Jiwon, you don’t have to do this” Junhoe uttered

“why? Are you worthy enough?” he asked

“am I not? Jiwon, who’s Jinhwan?” Junhoe replied

“That’s none of your business. Stupid worthless bitch” Jiwon cursed him and left his apartment

All Junhoe can do was to close his eyes, wish everything didn’t happen that night

He can’t stop himself from crying, maybe if he’s that good enough, maybe Jiwon wouldn’t do this to him.

It’s been a week now, there’s no call and text from Jiwon

Junhoe immediately picks his phone up when it rang as he thought it was Jiwon calling him

“mm, Hanbin hyung,” he answered

“Junhoe, how are you? Is your lips okay now?” Hanbin asked him worriedly

“yes, im okay now, please don’t worry about me” he replied

“join us tonight, we have to celebrate Chanwoo’s birthday”

“oh- he’s birthday? I almost forgot, okay hyung”


	3. Am I that worthless?

Junhoe followed Chanwoo and Hanbin at the club, when Hanbin spotted him he waved cheerfully, trying to hide all of his worries. Hanbin greeted him with his warmest hug and Chanwoo with a pat on his shoulder

“we missed you” Hanbin pouts

Junhoe smiled “I missed you two, too” he replied

“let’s not cry here, we’re at the club and it’s my birthday hyungs” Chanwoo cut their emotional asses

The bar was loud; it has some red and green lights flashing on every corner.

It was a fun night indeed.

The drinks are all over them.

Junhoe wants to drown himself from whiskey tonight; he wants to forget how worthless and imperfect he was.

He drank all the served cocktails and whiskey’s and drags himself onto the dance floor

"let's have fuuuuun tonight! wooooooh!" he shouts

He danced; he let all his thoughts be swept away by the music.

He danced, like nobody cares.

He danced, but he felt something warm inside his shirt.

He turns around to face the person “Jiwon hyung” he smiled

Junhoe felt happy, genuinely happy.

Jiwon returned. Jiwon loves him. Jiwon really loves him.

He leaned to the man and dance with him, Junhoe’s face was on his neck

“you miss me don’t you?” Junhoe asked the man, but the man just continued to dance and smile at him

Junhoe was clearly drunk. All things seemed blurred. Even the face of Jiwon is blurred.

But he doesn’t care. All he knows now that he’s dancing with Jiwon again.

He grinned, sticks out his butt and grinned onto the other man’s crotch.

The man’s hand is now at his waist, sensually massaging him, carefully supporting him.

“let’s go to the back” the man whispered at him

Junhoe bit his lips and nod, he just followed the man.

His body was slammed at the door; the man kissed his lips, hungrily. He kissed back, gripping onto the man’s hair “I want to taste you, you’re really beautiful” said the man

Junhoe stopped. Wait. His voice. The man’s voice is different. It’s not Jiwon.

“who are you?” Junhoe asked him

“Donghyuk” the man replied while lapping his neck

“Donghyuk? Wait! Stop!” Junhoe pushed him

“why?” Donghyuk asked him

“you’re not Jiwon, I thought you’re Jiwon, sorry, I gotta go” Junhoe was about to leave but Donghyuk pulled his arms, “ooouccch, let me go” Junhoe yelps

“you can yell whatever you want, but one thing I assure you, there’s no one here” Donghyuk warned him

“let me go please” Junhoe pleaded, but due to his drunkenness his strength wasn’t strong enough

Junhoe was struggling, but Donghyuk seemed to be so determine to taste him, he started to rip out Junhoe’s shirt, forcing Junhoe to lean on the wall by caging him and strangling him. Donghyuk kissed his toned chest, lapped his nipples and suck it. “aaaahhhh please stop it, let me go please” Junhoe asked him crying

“uh-huh and what will you do now pretty boy?” Donghyuk asked him

Junhoe tried to escape but Donghyuk was fast, he catched him easily “aaaaahhhh let me go please, help! Heeeeeelp!” Junhoe was screaming for help, he’s crying and his voice was already hoarse.

“You are so loud pretty boy” Donghyuk said to him and a strong punch landed on his stomach which caused him to lose his consciousness

 


	4. Don’t leave me

After an hour, Junhoe gained back his consciousness.

His head was pounding with pain and his body feels sore

“what happened?” he uttered

He carefully sits up and noticed he has no clothes

Junhoe’s eyes roam around the room and found some used condoms lying on the floor

And then he felt like a lightning strikes him, he feels like there’s an electric current running through his veins

He remembered, before he loses his consciousness, that person…

“oh my gooood” he murmured

He hugged his knees and cry while he’s on the floor

He’s shaking. He feels so dirty. He feels so small.

He cried and cried for hours, he can’t believe this happened to him.

When he is about to get up, his phone rang.

He crawls towards his pants, and search for his phone.

“mmm, Hanbin-hyung” he answered

“Junhoe, omy god where are you? I’ve been calling you since last night!!”

“I’m still here at the club hyung, please pick me up”

Hanbin came to pick him at the club, “Junhoe, thank goodness! Where have you been?” he hugged the younger.

“hyung” Junhoe can’t say anything, he just cried while hugging Hanbin. He seems like he can’t put all his thoughts into words, it seems there’s no exact words that can explain what he’s feeling.

“Junhoe, what happened, huh? Tell me. Tell to your hyung” Hanbin asked him while looking at the younger with a worried face

Junhoe, swallowed.

He’s knees weakened, he broke down in front of Hanbin “I – I was raped hyung” Junhoe answered his voice and body was shaking, he can’t look into Hanbin’s eyes

“WHAT?!! What the fuck Junhoe, who did that to you? Did you saw his face? What his name? omy god Junhoe, I’m sorry my dear, I’m really sorry” Hanbin hugged him and they’re both crying

Junhoe pulled out himself from the hug, “I-I didn’t saw his face hyung, everything was blurry, I was too drunk, I only remember his name” he responded

“Junhoe, omygod, let’s go to the police station, let’s report this. Huh?” Hanbin’s hands was on his shoulder

“no hyung, please. If we report this, Jiwon will find out, what if he misunderstood this? no hyung, I’m begging you” Junhoe pleaded to the elder

“after all this time, you still think of Jiwon’s feeling Junhoe? More than yourself?” Hanbin sighed

“Just – let … just trust me on this hyung, I can handle this” Junhoe insisted

Hanbin drop Junhoe at his apartment, when Junhoe was about to open the car door, Hanbin hold his left arm “are you sure you can handle it by yourself? he asked Junhoe

The younger smiled, “yes hyung, leave it to me” and hold Hanbin’s hand by his right hand,

Hanbin pouts and pull Junhoe into a tight hug “I love you, okay?”

Junhoe feels like crying again, but unfortunately no tears come out “I know hyung, thank you for the clothes, I’ll wash them first and return it to you” he replied

“aiiiissh, this kid, it’s okay though, don’t mind that”

Junhoe smiled. He got off the car and waved bye-bye to Hanbin

Junhoe was about to get inside his apartment when he heard Jiwon’s car

“babe” he whispered “you’re back” and he welcomed Jiwon with his warmest hug

“yeah, I came from a business trip” Jiwon replied “I’ve missed you” while his hands on Junhoe’s butt cheeks

Junhoe bit his lips and smiled “I missed you too Jiwon”, he feels like every pain and self-disappointment were washed away by Jiwon’s simple ‘I miss you’

Junhoe unlock his apartment door and Jiwon pushed him inside

“Jiwon~” he murmured while he bit his lower lips

Jiwon slammed him against the door and started kissing Junhoe’s luscious lips, “you know I missed this, right?” Jiwon groans

“ummmm Jiwon~”Junhoe moaned while he’s sucking Jiwon’s lower lips

Jiwon was about to take Junhoe’s shirt off, when he noticed the kiss marks on Junhoe’s upper body.

“what’s this?!” Jiwon asked him with deep and raspy voice

“what?” Junhoe was confused and look at the direction that Jiwon’s finger’s pointing

Junhoe was stunned. He feels like his body was frozen. His heart stopped beating too.

“Jiwon, I can explain this. Please don’t think anything first” Junhoe stuttered, you can feel it into his eyes that he’s scared, scared of anything that might happen in any minute

“NO! WHAT THE FUCK JUNHOE? YOU’RE SUCH A WHORE!” Jiwon shouted, he crumpled his hair

Junhoe carefully walks towards him and reach his hand “Jiwon, I can explain, I – I was raped Jiwon, please don’t think it that way” he muttered

But Jiwon brushed him off “THE FUCK?! RAPED? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JUNHOE? YOU’RE NOT RAPED. YOU LIKED THAT DON’T YOU? YOU WANTED THAT!”

“NO Jiwon, please it’s not like that. I thought it was you. I thought it was you, so I followed him, I was drunk. Everything was blurred, Jiwon please listen to me please” Junhoe was crying, he feels like Jiwon may leave him any minute now, his heart was beating so loud, he was nervous, he’s shaking, he doesn’t know what to do

Jiwon smirked and in a matter of a minute Junhoe felt a sting on his cheeks, Jiwon slapped him hard enough to draw a blood on his lips

But Junhoe was ready to accept that, he knew that was going to happen

So he just closed his eyes

“It was me?! Are you kidding me? You’re just proving how much of a bitch you are! How worthless you are!” said Jiwon, he picked up his bag and ready to leave but Junhoe hugged him at his back

“no Jiwon, don’t leave me please. I’m nothing without you” Junhoe asked him earnestly,

“Junhoe, let me go” Jiwon hissed removing Junhoe’s hand onto his waist

“if you will leave me just fucking kill me Jiwon, please” Junhoe cried

Jiwon just sighed “just kill yourself, don’t call me anymore Junhoe, we’re done” he said as he walks out from Junhoe’s apartment

Junhoe crouched onto the floor, he’s shouting Jiwon’s name, he’s a mess, and his mind was too clouded by confusion, guilt and pain

He doesn’t know what to do know, Jiwon left him now.

What is his life purpose without Jiwon? How can he function properly?

His world revolves only to Jiwon, he is nothing without Jiwon

Junhoe spent his days inside his apartment.

He shut everybody out.

He doesn’t go to work anymore

He even ignores Hanbin’s text messages


	5. Sorry

Month has passed; Junhoe is still inside his apartment

It was a cold evening and he has some trouble sleeping

He went to the kitchen to grab some bottle of pills

Junhoe take two sleeping pills to calm himself, he opens the faucet to let the water run and fill the tub.

He carefully undresses himself, not looking onto his body, it reminds him of Donghyuk’s kiss marks.

He played his favorite song that Jiwon used to sing for him and dipped himself on the tub.

He sighed

It was indeed relaxing

When Junhoe was about to close his eyes, his phone rang…

He reaches out and take a look who’s calling

“mm, Hanbin hyung” Junhoe answered the call lazily

“KOO JUNHOE THANK GOD YOU ANSWERED! where are you? Why are you not replying on my text messages?” Hanbin asked him

“I’m just here at the apartment hyung, nothing to worry about” He replied

“Junhoe, you know that I’m just here for you, we are here for you”

“I know that hyung”

“Are you okay? What are you doing?”

“Hyung I just realized something” Junhoe uttered

“what about it, tell me” Hanbin responded

Junhoe took a deep breath, and closed his eyes...

“when you meet someone, they’re everything you ever wanted. You started to fall. And when you discover their true self, you will realize, you fall in love with a mask. When that mask was removed, you still hang on to the possibility of that person will wear that mask once more. And even that person didn’t wear that mask again, they essentially become the person you fell in love with. No judgement. Only acceptance. Just pure acceptance. But the restlessness came in, you realize you fall for the wrong person, you realize they’ve become a false representation of what you thought you needed, of what you thought you wanted. And in the end, you only lose yourself. You only destroy yourself. You’re afraid to lose that person, but you’re not afraid to lose yourself, you love that person so dearly but you forgot to love yourself even more” a tear drop started to fall on Junhoe’s cheeks

“Junhoe, are you really alright? I can go there” Hanbin insisted

The younger cried

“Hyung, I’m tired” he whispered

“then take a rest, sleep Junhoe, don’t exhaust yourself”

“mmm, yes hyung, I-I should really take a rest”

“okay, rest well our Junnie, hyung loves you okay?”

Junhoe smiled, for the first time this month he smiled. It’s such a relief knowing that someone loves you no matter how much of a mess you are. Someone is willing to be there for you even if you feel like the whole world abandoned you.

“mmmm. ‘kay, thank you hyung, really” he responded and end the call

How loving someone can be this exhausting?

How loving someone can be this destructive.

How loving someone can be this painful?

Junhoe took a deep sigh. He slowly slides down into the tub, he just wants to drown his thoughts and worries but little did he know he’s drowning himself. Along with his pain. The whole world seems to be drifting away together with his consciousness.


	6. You’re free now

Hanbin was uneasy after he called Junhoe, he feels that something was wrong.

He gets up from his bed, grabbed his coat and drove himself to Junhoe’s apartment

He pressed the door bell, but no one opened the door for him.

He knocked and knocked, Hanbin felt a little pinch on his heart, he doesn’t know what is that.

All that matters to him now is to see Junhoe as soon as possible

“JUNHOOOEEEEEE!” he shouts

It was unusual for him, Junhoe said that he’s home but no one is opening the door so he tried to call his phone, after five tries Hanbin gave up and started to panic, he’s slamming the door “KOO JUNHOE!” he calls Junhoe

But he stopped when he remembered he duplicated Junhoe’s apartment keys, he knows Junhoe was that forgetful so they duplicated it.

He run towards his car and search the keys on his bag, when he found it

He immediately opened Junhoe’s apartment door; he searched in the kitchen but Junhoe was not there

Hanbin went to his bedroom but he isn’t there, he was getting more nervous

“Where is Junhoe?” He asked to himself

He tried to call Junhoe’s phone again, it rings…

Hanbin heard it

The sound is from the bathroom, he walks slowly towards the sound and he opens the door

His eyes widened when he found Junhoe’s lifeless body soaked inside the tub

“Junhoe” he uttered

He immediately grabbed Junhoe’s nape and pulled out the younger from the water

“NO, no nononononooooo no Junhoe, Koo Junhoe” Hanbin is shaking him up, he tries to do CPR but it doesn’t work now, Junhoe is already pale.

“Junhoe, please wake up, hyung is here now, Junhoe” Hanbin tried shaking Junhoe but he got no response at all, Hanbin is already crying, he searched for Junhoe’s pulse rate but he got nothing

He dialed emergency hotline to bring Junhoe at the Hospital, he still has hope for a little miracle, but the Hospital announced him dead on arrival

Hanbin requested Chanwoo to inform Junhoe’s parents about his status

Hanbin felt his world crashed, he doesn’t know what to do now.

The feeling of guilt is there, “I hope I’m with him last night”

“I hope I protected him more”

“I hope – fuck! This is Kim Jiwon’s fault”

Hanbin and Chanwoo is putting away Junhoe’s things at his apartment,

“Hyung, did you already informed Jiwon-hyung? Chanwoo asked the older

“NO, what for?” Hanbin responded

“because of this – “Chanwoo showed to Hanbin, Junhoe’s letter for Jiwon

“that dumbass, he planned this, he really killed himself” Hanbin cried

“I’ll go to Jiwon-hyung’s office and hand this over to him” said Chanwoo

Hanbin just nod

When Chanwoo arrived at Jiwon’s office he was dismayed at what he saw

Jiwon kissing other man, Chanwoo clenched his fist and cleared his throat “hyung”

Jiwon was surprised at Chanwoo’s sudden appearance “Chanwoo” he mumbled, pushing the other man away

“I – the door was open, I thought you’re alone so I came in, sorry hyung, I just passed by to give you this” said Chanwoo as he hand over Junhoe’s letter for Jiwon

“uh – mmm, Jinhwan can you give us a minute?” Jiwon asked the other man

“sure, just give me a call, I’m downstairs, see you~” Jinhwan flirtatiously replied as he runs his fingers onto Jiwon’s arm

When Chanwoo was sure that the other man already left the room he clears his throat again, he tries to resist his urge to cry and punch Jiwon

“what brings you here?” Jiwon asked him

“so, that is Jinhwan? No wonder, he seems flirt enough” Chanwoo replied

Jiwon sighed. “Just answer my question Chanwoo, I have lots of work to do”

“Junhoe-hyung is gone” Chanwoo took a deep breath and look blankly at the floor

Jiwon tilt his head “w-wait, what?”

“Junhoe, THAT KOO JUNHOE YOU HURT OVER AND OVER! THAT KOO JUNHOE YOU HURT PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY issss – gone, he’s gone” Chanwoo can’t hold any longer his raging emotions

Jiwon was confused “what are you saying Chanwoo? I don’t understand”

Chanwoo broke down, he crumpled his hair “hyung – he committed suicide last night, if you still don’t understand me, just – just read his letter and visit his funeral” Chanwoo left Jiwon at the room

It didn’t sink in; it has never come in Jiwon’s mind that Junhoe was gone

He opened Junhoe’s letter;

 

_To my dearest Jiwon,_

_I wrote this letter to say good bye to you, I know you suffered enough because of this relationship, I just wanted to say that you’re free now my love, my Jiwon. I know this time will come, we will go on separate ways, but please remember that no matter what happens I wish you all the good things in world, I love you with all of my heart Jiwon. There’s nothing that can change that._

_Maybe you wonder, why I didn’t go to my parents’ house these days, I just told them about our real relationship, it’s funny that they accepted the real me and told me to visit them and tag you along._

_But I guess it will never happen, you already left me. But hey baby, that’s okay. I think it’s better for both of us. You needed time, I think._

_My letter is going long; I know you don’t want this. I must stop now._

_Good bye Jiwon, I hope you’ll be happy in your life choices. I wish you all the love in world. You deserve that baby._

_Sincerely, Koo Junhoe_

 

Jiwon felt numb, he felt like the world crashed on him now.

Tears are falling. His heart was pounding too hard.

“Junhoe” he whispered to himself


	7. Good Bye

Jiwon went to Junhoe’s funeral at his parents’ residence

All of the people was dressed in pure white.

The place was full of color white statice flower, it is Junhoe’s favorite

The white balloons are all over too.

“it’s very Junhoe” Jiwon murmured to himself

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Hanbin asked him furiously

“hyung, let him be, we all know Junhoe hyung wants him here” Chanwoo tries to calm Hanbin

Jiwon went to Junhoe’s parents to give respect, he kneeled down infront of them “I’m sorry, I didn’t know we reached this point” he uttered

“WHAT? YOU DIDN’T KNOW?! WHAT THE FUCK JIWON? AFTER YOU BEAT HIM? AFTER YOU CHEATED ON HIM? HOW SHAMELESS YOU ARE!” Hanbin yelled at Jiwon

“STOP!” Junhoe’s mother screamed “I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you, no it’s not my intention Jiwon, but to make you understand how much this situation is hurting us” Junhoe’s parents are just crying, they know what happened to Junhoe and there’s nothing can do about it.

Junhoe was gone.

“hyung, calm yourself, there’s a lot of people here” Chanwoo said to Hanbin

“NO, I really want to do this” Hanbin snorted and immediately punched Jiwon’s face, it’s strong that it made Jiwon fall down

“YOU DESERVE THAT ASSHOLE! AFTER ALL OF THE THINGS YOU DID TO HIM YOU DESERVED THAT” Hanbin was crying, his fist was bleeding too but he manages to pull Jiwon’s collar and drag him farther from Junhoe’s coffin and throw him outside “YOU DIDN’T DESERVE TO BE HERE. HE DIDN’T DESERVE YOU! FUCK YOU!” Hanbin added and left Jiwon on the floor

Jiwon was crying, he can’t do anything. He knows he deserved this.

He hurt Junhoe. He deserved this pain.

“JUNHOE FORGIVE ME. I’M REALLY SORRY” he shouted, crumpled his hair and left Junhoe’s funeral

Jiwon drove himself off, he didn’t know where he’s going, he’s crying and feels like he’s speeding up than he’s usual speed meter. He can’t see clearly since his eyes are wet from his tears

He maneuvered but he didn’t notice the truck in front of him, Jiwon tried to avoid it but his car crashes on to different car.

 .........................

A loud noise from two crashed car was heard within the neighborhood

Jiwon slowly closed his eyes, he can’t scream for help because there’s a metal pierced onto his chest

“Junhoe” he whispers

“Junhoe, I’m sorry” while Jiwon slowly closing his eyes

 

-END-

 

* * *

 

_When love is real, it doesn't lie, cheat, pretend, hurt you or make you feel unwanted._

_It's supposed to be a cure to all your worries._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this. TT.TT


	8. Epilogue

Hanbin and Chanwoo visits Junhoe’s grave after two months that he passed away.

“what is it that you love about him, Junhoe?” Hanbin said while he crouches beside Junhoe’s grave

“I just can’t understand, until now.”

“Is it the ways he lets you down, incapable of lifting you up? Is it the way your heart breaks when he says something that shatters your self-esteem?” he sobs

“Tell me Koo Junhoe. Because until now I still can’t understand”

Chanwoo went beside Hanbin, gently rubbing his back

“Hyung, it’s his birthday. Let’s just greet him happily” Chanwoo said while he slowly lay down some flowers on Junhoe’s grave

“No Chanwoo, no one can understand me. Jiwon never shows up when Junhoe needs him. So why …”

*silence*

“Why Koo Junhoe? Tell me again. Please, please tell me what is there to love about this man who doesn’t love you?”

* * *

*5 months before the apartment tragedy*

Junhoe lying beside Hanbin 

“Hyung”

Hanbin turns to face him “hmm?”

“Will you miss me when I’m gone?”

“Junhoe, what are you talking about?”

Junhoe chuckled “hyung what do you think will be this room sounds like without my voice? What will this room smells like without my scent?”

“Junhoe, stop now. It’s annoying”

“My random cough and loudness, the sound of me weeping when I’m sad will you miss it hyung?”

Hanbin sigh. He gets up, and stares blankly at the wall

“I will miss me yelling when I’m angry at you”

Junhoe laugh but Hanbin turns around to face him and held his hand

“But seriously Junhoe, I will miss that laughter. That smile. So hold on. Okay?”

Junhoe just smile and nod

“Hyung, when I vanish into air, will you grieve?”

Hanbin snorted “of course you dumbass! Now stop it. It’s annoying Junhoe”

“Hyung, I have one favor to ask”

“What is it?”

“When I’m gone, please promise me that you will never forget about me” Junhoe said breathlessly

Hanbin tears fall down but he managed to hide it from the younger with a shaky voice he answers “of course Junhoe. of course”

Junhoe hugged him from behind “thank you hyung, thank you”

Little did Hanbin knows, Junhoe was lonely like the winter. He’s searching for a warmth. But found nothing but cold air. Nothing. He found nothing but pain.

It’s scary how you can do so much for someone and yet they’d rather focus on what you don’t do.

Little did Junhoe knows, Hanbin loves him more than anything in this world. Hanbin shows up when no one was there for him. Hanbin was there for him. Junhoe have to do is open his eyes.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

Junhoe was gone.

“hyung, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved” Chanwoo said

“I should’ve held his hand more instead of my phone” Hanbin said while he's gently caressing Junhoe’s grave

He cried. Hanbin cried his heart out “I remember, I remember how I saw him lifeless Chanwoo. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much”

“I love you Junhoe, you dumbass” Hanbin sobs “We could have been everything and you chose to ignore it for some idiot who doesn’t love you back.”

“hyung, let’s go home” Chanwoo said as he hugs Hanbin

“it hurts, I miss him Chanwoo, his smile, his laughter.I miss him more than the sun and the rainbow, I miss him more as this hurt and pain grows, I wish to be with him right now, Chanuyaaa. But sadly, I can't. Right?” tears roll down onto Hanbin's cheeks 

Chanwoo sighed “I know hyung, things will be better soon. Soon.”

_Maybe that’s the thing about unrequited love, every one of us have fallen for the things that can't be ours. The bittersweet pain in loving someone who doesn’t love you back. All of us have gone through it. Back to it. Again and again and hell again. We become blind, in the name of love. Worst happens when our self-respect does not get in the way to tell us how much we are giving in a relationship that is not giving us back. We end up choosing the same person over and over and over again and let them break our again and again._

 


End file.
